I am your sister, mother, wife, daughter, best friend, neighbor and coworker. I am a recovering drug addict. The board asked me to write "my story", in hope that someone struggling with addiction might see themselves and reach out for help.
Almost 12 years ago I started taking Vicodin. At first it was for legitimate pain. Then I found when I took it, unlike some who complain it makes them tired and "out of it", I felt rejuvenated, awake and seemingly more capable of handling things. So, I found myself taking it more and more for little aches and pains that Tylenol would no doubt have helped.
I tried to set personal "boundaries": I'll only take it if I really have pain, I'll never take it when I have to work, etc. I see now that I also used it so I didn't have to deal with conflict, stress or any uncomfortable situation. If something bothered me: "my back hurts--oh well I have these Vicodin, I'll just take one and I can get the housework done" or "I'll just take one before the party--I'll feel a little looser--like I've had a glass of wine". After some time (though I didn't realize it) I had become dependant--both physically and emotionally. As the drug wore off, I would feel achey all over--so, with that ache or pain there was an excuse to take another pill.
Then things got worse. I continued to use and without realizing it, I was taking more and more and it seemed to effect me less and less. I still worked, did my job and the people around me seemed not to notice. This made it easier for me to continue using.
Every day I found myself thinking I should stop, but I couldn't. I was afraid and felt very isolated and alone. I felt I had no one to turn to. Unfortunately there is still a stigma associated with addiction and that weighed heavily on my mind. I thought overcoming addiction was about willpower and weakness. I didn't realize it is a disease process for which I could seek treatment.
I remember the day I saw my boss looking at the narcotic record. I KNEW I was "caught". A feeling of intense nausea washed over me and yet there was also an immense sense of relief. I had so many fears: Would I lose my job? My license? How would I function without this "thing" I had come to rely on?
I was fortunate. My boss was familiar with the addiction process and called for help. John Southworth came in to do an intervention. I went to an inpatient program followed by an outpatient program. I chose "First Step for Women", though there are others.
That was almost 10 years ago. Though I could not see it at the time, that turned out to be the best day of my life! I no longer have the need for, or obsession for ANY mind altering chemicals. I don't have to live with the fear of being caught or for that matter the fear of killing myself or anyone else!
At the time I was using I wanted to stop. I wanted to get help. I was so afraid that if I asked for help I would end up in trouble.
Know this-- there is help available. It is better to seek help early. As with any disease process, the earlier you get treatment the better the outcome.
There are currently several groups for recovering professionals that meet weekly. These groups do not report your activities or attendance to the Boards. The groups guard your anonymity and are a safe place to talk and ask questions about getting assistance. I remember wondering: Will I be able to work in health care? What will happen to my license? What do I say to employers? How do I handle encountering narcotics at work? I had those questions answered and more.
I found that I wasn't alone, there are many professionals in recovery. If you choose to come to a meeting, you are not required to sign in, you won't be challenged, berated or reported. Instead you would be welcomed, supported and reassured. If you choose to get information and leave, that is your prerogative. If you want to stay and listen to others who have walked a path to recovery, you'd be welcome to stay.
To find out more about the weekly meetings you can call: Southworth Associates or your State Board. You don't have to give your name or info, just ask about the support group--where it meets and when.
Southworth Associates is a proud member of both the Association of Intervention Specialists (AIS) and the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers (NAATP).
